I don’t think people use cutlery properly. One method of eating that I’ve seen is with the fork upside down. That’s so snobby. Why turn it upside down?

The fork is shaped with a bend and slight concave shape to act as a secondary spoon. If you turn the bloody thing the other way around, the sauce falls off the food and makes a big mess. Another thing I have seen are people who eat with a spoon and a plate. Sorry, but the spoon is supposed to accompany a bowl. You can’t scoop food off a plate because it has very shallow (if any) wall to allow the food to stay put while slipping the utensil underneath.

Further to using a spoon on a plate, I think it is wrong to use a spoon to eat cake or pie. I think the fork is a better choice. Again, it goes back to eating from a plate – you should use a fork. Spoons are shitty. A spoon is only good for bowls and stirring things. If you eat cake with a spoon, half the icing and cake shit sticks to the spoon, then you have to lick the thing like a raging pig to get it clean. The fork allows for a simple penetration to secure the cake and a short journey to the mouth, where you can extract the piece with your teeth.

This brings me to my next observation – people who suck the finish off a spoon. I very rarely ever touch a utensil with my lips. I think germs travel well on metal and have long-term adhesion. Really, how clean can a fork be? It’s used repeatedly by many people for many years. Utensils are dirty. The only time a spoon is allowed to touch my lips is if I’m eating soup. I figure the heat from the soup has killed off most germs. It’s also tough to scrape soup from a spoon with your teeth, so you almost have to incorporate lip assistance. Spoons are shit.

To continue in my annoyance are people who eat with only one utensil. For instance, a fork. My brother is an expert at eating with just a fork. He’ll cut steak with the side of a fork so he doesn’t dirty a knife. Now that’s friggin’ lunacy! I value the use of a knife. The knife makes a great assistant to the fork. The knife can cut food to a usable size, it can assist with the loading of the fork, and it prevents your free hand from getting sloppy with food. Knives are also badass.

That is all.


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