New Pants

I wonder what it’s like to be a new pair of pants. Life starts out innocently enough, surrounded by your friends on a shelf or hanging from a rack in a store. Everything is going well until someone comes in to try you on.

Maybe it’s a really cool human who tries you on for size and you look fantastic, wrapping their hips, etc. You get to go to a nice new home where you might get to meet a new pair of pants. Maybe you’ll meet some jeans or a pair of cords. Perhaps you’ll start a closet relationship with that revealing pair of shorts. If you’re looking for adventure, your human might take you out to the clubs to dance and grind with other pants. Maybe you get to go for walks in the park or get to go to the movies. And maybe your new human washes you with care and uses the good soap. Your favourite part is the warm tumble in the dryer!

Alternatively, life could go the other way. Maybe you’re a pair of pants that gets tried on multiple times by multiple people, thereby destroying your confidence. You begin to question whether you’re good enough. Or maybe you are purchased by a human who is a little careless. Maybe your human slops mustard on you and doesn’t wash it off right away. Or the human fills your pockets with sharp things like nails and thumbtacks. Some humans might even take you for cosmetic surgery to have your legs shortened and hemmed to better fit their legs. Your human, if a male, will likely wipe snot on your leg. You will also get splashed with piss if using a urinal. Both male and female owners carelessly sit you down on filthy seats. Worst of all, your human might be the type to not wear underwear, suffocating you with the most sweaty, filthy parts of the body on a hot day.

I think one of the worst parts about being pants would be the first time your human farts. You’re innocently being pants and suddenly the human moves a bit, putting pressure on your button. Then it suddenly gets warm, followed by a most unpleasant smell. And because your job as pants is to keep buttoned and zippered, you trap that smell. Unfortunately, as time passes and your human farts more frequently, your fibres can’t recover from the constant assault, and you eventually become permanently scarred with filth.

Ultimately, the life of a pair of pants (specifically jeans) usually ends by becoming work pants or worn without care. The pants are worn for gardening, painting, working on a car, camping, etc. This can be especially traumatic for pants that primarily spent their lives in white-collar situations, but are now introduced to blue-collar duties. Some pants even have to endure the brutality of having their legs amputated to become shorts!

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