Coffee is one of my choice beverages. I knock back two cups per day. Well, maybe one and a half in total. It’s not much, but it’s enough for me. I’ve been drinking it since I was 4. That’s right, since late 1979. That means I’m not one of these modern, stuffed up trend-seekers.

The irritating thing about coffee now is that everybody has a cup of it at all times. I don’t understand why you would buy a coffee to take with you grocery shopping. You kind of need both hands to effectively push the cart and bag your groceries. However, there are people who feel the need to sip it wherever they go. These are the assholes who clog up the aisles in grocery stores because they’re drinking the coffee. Assholes, put the coffee break on hold, do your shopping and get the fuck out! Seriously, shopping does not need to be more than half an hour. Sipping coffee makes it more like a nature hike.

The confusing thing about the entire coffee drinking situation is that you’d assume it would hop people up and make them move quicker. Not so. I think it makes people annoyingly slower. They walk like sloths on a window shopping trek with their $6 cup of no-fat, light-whip, dip-shit, caramel, decaf, mocha frap latte and clog up the sidewalks.
Whatever happened to a cup of coffee? I ordered “coffee” at one of these places and she asked what kind. For fuck’s sake, I just wanted a plain cup of it. The kind that isn’t $7 per sip. Who can actually afford to drink this shit? It’s probably cheaper to smoke. Fuckin beer is cheaper than that. I had to ask for a plain cup of coffee in a “small” cup, as if it was a special request.

Naturally, I have been guilty of purchasing the odd cup of specialty coffee, but it has been on very rare occasions. I actually have a unique appliance at home that is called a “coffee maker.” Indeed, I can make it at home all by myself and I don’t have to balance drinking it while shopping, taking a leak, driving, or getting a rectal checkup. I imagine some of these coffee addict pricks have a cup on the nightstand while they’re getting laid.

I’ve noticed that since starting Crock of Shirt, I treat myself to two or three coffees per week from the coffee shop, but it’s always just the house blend. My excuse is it gets me out of my house, which sparks new ideas for drawings. Part of that excuse is a thin layer of bullshit because I just like the coffee, but the other part of that excuse is totally true.

Anyway, enough of this. Monica and I went for a coffee recently and she bought me a new ceramic traveler. You’ll never see it out in public, though. I won’t go shopping with it. Or to the doctor. Nor will I have it while mowing the lawn.

Coffee Tumbler


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