Sunday. I generally hate Sundays because Monday is the next day. However, since my working routine has changed and Monica doesn’t work Mondays, Sundays have become more tolerable.
This morning began beautifully. No morning routine, no alarm clocks, no plans or expectations. We had a nice family breakfast of pancakes, sausages, and eggs. Monica was going to go to the gym and had planned to drop the kids off for a swim at the pool. Since it was a sunny day, I thought I’d saddle up for a late season bike ride and take advantage of the lack of snow around here.
After the plans for the day were finalized and all the dishes done from breakfast, the time came to get ready to gather all the shit up to get ready for the day’s activities. For me, this involved finding some riding gloves, a snack to take with me, changing into my gear, and filling up my backpack with water. I grabbed my bike and made my way out to the truck, where Monica and the kids were already waiting for me. I was excited to hit the trails.
If you’ve been following any of my writing or know me personally, you’ll know that things will inevitably go for a shit. The trigger for this edition of shit happening was when I mentioned how I was excited to hit the trails. Even though I am working on trying to be more positive and happy, something has to test me.
I lowered the tailgate to the truck and went to flip open the tonneau cover (3 panel) to throw the bike in the back. Nope. Noooooooope. The fuckin’ tonneau was frozen shut. The foam gasket thing between the tonneau and bed rails of the truck sometimes freeze in the winter after getting wet, which means certain destruction if I try to pry it open. Fuck. Hassle. Fuck. Okay. No problem, I’ll just take the front wheel off the bike and put it in that way, as it won’t fit in one piece with the tonneau down. With the bike stuffed in the truck, I was finally ready to go and slammed the tailgate shut. No shut. Shit. What the hell? I tried to close it again and it stopped short once again. Fuck. I lowered it and took a look to see if anything was in the way and after confirming it was all good, gave it another try. Fuck. What the fuck? I lowered it again and inspected the two latches on the tailgate. The right one looked to be in a different position compared to the left, so it must have jammed. Fuck! Off to the garage to fetch a screwdriver. I stormed back out and tried to pry the latch to the correct position, then shut the tailgate again. Slam. Fuck! Fuck! What the fuck? The perfect day was fucked now. I fucking lost it. Fuckin’ tailgate! Stupid fucking tailgate motherfuckerrrrrrrr! More fiddling with the screwdriver. Fucking! Why? What the fuck? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Stupid fucking asshole shit breaking! Fuck! All I wanted to do was take one hour of my life to ride my fucking bike in the fucking forest one last fucking time before the fucking winter comes. I tried to close it again and it finally caught. Time for a ride!
Since the tailgate issue had burned so much time, it was decided that Monica would drop me off at the pool with the kids and I would start riding from there. We got out of the truck and I went to fetch my bike out of the back. I grabbed the handle to open the tailgate and it wouldn’t open. Fuck! Fuck right off! Was my truck suddenly haunted? Did I piss off the universe once again by trying to be happy and it decided to fuck me? One more pull and it had better fucking open. Success! Surprisingly the fuck tailgate closed after all that. On with my day!
After my ride, I returned to the pool to meet Monica and pick up the kids. As Monica pulled into the parking lot and passed me to pull into a space, I noticed my day of fuck hadn’t quite ended just yet. Indeed, the tailgate was still closed, but one of the fucking taillights was burned out! Fuck!
I thought I’d make a quick logo based on my dreaded tailgate experience. Why? Because it would be funny to do such a thing. The idea of blowing time making a fake logo for a fucked experience of frustration makes me laugh and laughing is important. Follow along below and I’ll roughly show you how it’s done. Roughly. You’d probably want to have some vector program experience for this kind of thing because I’m not going to go into too many details. Enjoy!
Step 1: Sketch out an idea. This was my third sketch. The other two are pure shit, so I won’t show them here. This is the back of the truck.
Step 2: After importing the sketch into Illustrator, start the tracing process. I use red for tracing. This is going to be a symmetrical graphic, so I will only illustrate half, then copy to complete the whole. Block in the tailgate using the rectangle tool, then add a slight curve to the upper right corner.
Step 3: Using the rectangle tool, block in the bumper. Round out the bottom right corner to give some shape.
Step 4: To make the cab, I copied the bumper and flipped it.
Step 5: Lower the bottom points on the flipped bumper piece to the tailgate to make the cab shape.
Step 6: Use the rounded rectangle tool to make a tire shape. Put it in place.
Step 7: Copy the bumper and paste in place. Select the new copy of the bumper and the tire shape and click the subtract from shape area option in the pathfinder menu. This will hack off the top of the tire to make it straight and in line with the lower bumper edge.
Step 8: Make the window. Copy the cab shape and paste in place. Then resize it by holding down the shift key and dragging the top right corner down and to the left. Also add in a rectangle shape for the taillight.
Step 9: Bumper detail. Copy the bumper and paste in place. Select the copy and move up and over to the left. Select that and the original bumper shape, then subtract from shape area option in the pathfinder menu.
Step 10: You are now left with some bumper detail. Not necessary, but I think it defines the bumper a bit more than just having a straight rectangular shape. Trust me. Just wait and see.
Step 11: Axle tube! Using the rectangle tool, put the axle tube in place underneath the bumper.
Step 12: Axle housing. Is that what it’s called? The spherical shape that contains the gears and connects to the axle shafts. Anyway, using the ellipse tool, draw a circle with the center point on the left edge of the axle tube.
Step 13: Select the circle and the axle tube, then combine them by clicking the add to shape area button in the pathfinder menu.
Step 14: I sort of messed up my instructions here by missing a step or two. Sorry. What I did now was draw a rectangle and align it with the top of the axle tube. Stretch the length of the rectangle to cover the axle housing. Select both the rectangle and axle housing, then click the subtract from shape area button in the pathfinder menu. This will square off the top of the axle housing. Do the same for the left side of the axle housing and you will end up with what you see below.
Step 15: Here’s the lazy part. Select everything, then select the reflect tool from the menu. Hold down the option key (Mac) and click the left edge of your artwork. This will be the point of origin from where the shape will be mirrored. Vertical, 90 degrees and click copy.
Step 16: BAM! Now you have the right and left sides of the truck. If only life offered such ease. Imagine if you could do half the work and it would count for the whole day!
Step 17: Combine the shapes together to make them one. Select the bumpers and click the add to shape area button in the pathfinder menu. Do the same for the tailgate pieces, window pieces, cab pieces, and axle pieces. Turn off the original trace graphic layer. Now the truck is not cut in half anymore.
Step 18: Select a font or draw your own. I’m in a hurry, so I selected a square, sans serif font. I wanted the type to take the place of the actual tailgate shape, so I adjusted the point size to make it fit. Don’t resize type by stretching! Ever.
Step 19: My truck is black, so I wanted to make this one black, too. I used grey for the window and bumper, then threw in a lighter grey outline around the entire graphic. That’s it!
Step 20: An alternative to the above graphic would be to make an even more basic version. Just a black silhouette and white type works, too.