This is the second year we have used a real Christmas tree. I always had real trees when I grew up with my family, but when Monica and I got married and left on our own, we went the route of the fake tree.
(I just vacuumed up a wasp. I have no idea where the little bastard came from, as it’s almost mid- December. Maybe it was in the Christmas tree.)
Anyway, we always stuck with the fake shit because we figured it was easier. I’m not particularly excited about having to vacuum needles every day after the fuckin’ cat does his daily tree investigation. Oh, and apparently I now have to be concerned about hidden wasp nests in the tree. No fake tree is gonna have animals nesting in it.
I also think it’s a waste of trees to use them for two weeks, then throw them away. It seems like such a silly thing for a human to find a tree, chop it down, and temporarily stand it up in the house for a couple weeks. It seems even more silly for a human to purchase a tree from a store that sells murdered trees and temporarily stand it up in the house for a couple weeks. More bizarre is we humans don’t just stand the tree in the house, but we decorate it with lights and balls. It’s kind of like mocking the dead. Poor tree. Then when we’re done with it, we haul it to the recycler and it gets thrown into a chipper. People are mean!
The main purpose of me writing this is to describe the bullshit I have to go through to stand up the tree. We bought a tree stand last year and it has definitely proven to be the biggest hunk of worthless shit. After this year, it can fuck right off. Last year’s tree standing session involved about two hours of bullshit to keep it from falling. Admittedly, part of the issue was my fault, as I neglected to trim the lower branches enough so they wouldn’t interfere with the stand. But even after I fixed the problem branches, the tree defied me and fell over again. Luckily, I had a pile of scrap wood to build some crafty shims and whatnot to help the bastard stand.
This year’s tree is still standing. It’s only been three hours, so there is still lots of time for it to take a dive. This time I tried to prepare the tree properly by cutting the bottom off as straight as possible, plus removing the lower branches. After we set the tree in the stand and cut the twine, we unfolded the branches. The tree is quite beautiful, actually, and the smell is incredible, as usual. But the idiot wasn’t balanced in the shit stand. Garbage! Unfortunately, I had cleaned out the garage during the summer and had thrown out all my scraps of wood. No shims. Hmm. Hmmmmmm, what to do. I hate cheap shit that doesn’t work properly. Stupid tree stand. Under normal circumstances, I would take advantage of the situation and jump at the opportunity to hit the hardware store to buy some wood, or even purchase a welder and some steel to make a super stand, but I haven’t sold enough t shirts to justify buying a welder. Some of you may think buying a welder or a table saw might be overkill for setting up a Christmas tree, but you would be mistaken. With my temper rising, something had to be done or I wasn’t going to get sleep knowing the fuckoff tree was likely going to fall the hell over.
The next several minutes involved some staring at the tree stand, muttering some swear words, a couple trips to the garage to confirm the lack of spare wood, and some more blank staring at the floor. Suddenly, what popped into my mind was one of those moments in history when the planets aligned! Out of nothing came the idea for a great invention that will revolutionize the entire Christmas tree experience! Dumbbells! I grabbed 4 of my heaviest dumbbells and stood them up on end, surrounding the shit stand and leaning inward to the trunk of the tree. That’s right, we have a tree in our family room that’s being supported not only by the shittiest tree stand ever, but by 260 pounds of weight, consisting of two x 70 lb dumbbells and two x 60 lb dumbbells. Ha! And if the tree decides to somehow struggle to lean through all that weight, I still have 2 x 50 lb dumbbells on standby.
Check out my fortified tree stand below: