Blame the Pizza Sauce

Piss! Slight frustration is mounting because I really just want to work on my current illustration, but things keep popping up. I might have to quit sleeping so I can use that time to draw.

Today’s adventure in working from home while trying to start a t shirt company involved dropping the kids off at school and going grocery shopping. It’s the 21st of December, so the thought of going out to tackle the masses and endure painful lineups has been haunting me for the past several days. You see, Monica made me a shopping list about a week ago that included specific instructions to begin grocery shopping today at 1:00 pm. Grocery shopping on a Friday afternoon with 4 days left until Christmas? Fuck that noise. That’s just ludicrous. I’d rather be locked in my washroom for 8 hours with no asswipe than try to navigate the masses of people out there today. At the best of times I can’t find shit in the grocery store, so today would most definitely result in a massive head explosion. I would short circuit.

Well, fuck a duck! My mom just called and wants to come over to pick up one of the Christmas gifts I have been holding for her. Now I can’t even write this post. I’ll never a get a chance to draw today. Fuck! Oh well, we had a nice coffee and a chat, so it’s not all bad.

Unfortunately, I didn’t make it back to the computer to continue with this post, so it’s now the next day, December 22nd. Joy to the world because I had to go back to the grocery store this morning for more bullshit. I still haven’t had a chance to draw yet because I have to write this shit first. But before I get into today’s bullshit, I should continue with yesterday’s bullshit. See, to prevent my head from exploding, I knew the solution for yesterday’s shopping trip was to beat the crowds to the store. I drove Monica to work, which is conveniently located across the parking lot to the grocery store. This allowed me to start shopping at 8:30 am. My plan worked beautifully, as I made it through the grocery store without any major hassle. Major hassle. Notice I didn’t say minor hassle. I avoided major hassle.

That being said, I did have to deal with a recurring problem when I am sent to the store, which is usually a major problem. Being that I don’t cook (not entirely my fault) and am incapable of reading my wife’s mind, I sometimes don’t understand what certain instructions or ingredients are on the shopping list. I also don’t know exactly where some shit is located in the store. It seems that every time I am sent to do the shopping (which I really don’t mind) there is one item on the list that causes me grief. Monica will ask me to pick out something really weird like a special kind of cheese that has been crafted by elves under darkness in the lower regions of the German Alps. I’ll then spend upwards of 15 minutes pacing around the fuckin’ store on a hunting mission, becoming increasingly pissed. I think she intentionally plants things like that in the shopping list to inject just a little hell into my day. I don’t think she’s being truly mean, but just likes to fucker with me now and then.

Anyway, yesterday’s mystery item was pizza sauce. The list said “pizza sauce by the tomato sauce – look up”. Okay. Shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll go to the tomato sauce aisle and look up at the top shelf. I cruised the aisle once and spotted all the tomato sauce, spaghetti sauce, tomato paste, and all the rest of the shit, but no pizza sauce. Hmmm. Fuck. So I reversed direction and cruised back the other way for a second look. Nope. C’mon. I was making good time and more people were starting to come into the store now. I could feel the wheels starting to come off. This was no time to panic. I still had time to beat the crowds, but I had to remain calm and collected. I had to focus on the task at hand. I aborted the tomato aisle and went a few aisles back to where the ketchup lives. Certainly the pizza sauce would be with the ketchup if I couldn’t find it with the tomato sauce. Ketchup, mustard, steak sauce, all that shit, but no pizza sauce. Fuck me in the eyelid with a jackhammer. Hmm. Shit! Fuck, okay, back to the tomato sauce aisle. Once more to the end of the aisle and I still couldn’t see the bloody sauce. Why? Why me? Why am I doing this? I don’t even eat the frigging sauce, so why am I doing this? Okay, stay calm. No way this sauce was going to ruin me. I exited the aisle to take a time out and collect my thoughts. I took a few deep breaths and cleared my mind so I could harness my inner pizza sauce-seeking radar. One more time. I decided to give the aisle one more try and if I couldn’t find the sauce, she can come back and get it herself. In I went, looking up to the top shelf, and BAM! Top motherfucking shelf on the very upper left corner of the entire aisle sat the little bottles of pizza sauce. Bastards! I quickly snatched it and made my way to the checkout.

The next stop for me was the butcher. Surprisingly, everything worked out well at the butcher, so it was a relatively quick stop. He’s got his shit together. I didn’t even have to write this part.

The final scheduled stop on my shopping list was the bigger wholesale shopping store. Once again, I got there shortly after opening and managed to speed through my assigned list with little incident. Too easy. I didn’t fall in the parking lot or sneeze a booger on my shirt or anything. Something certainly has to fuck up to balance this out.

I know what you’re thinking. I know. You must be wondering where the fuckup is in all of this. How could something so terrible as Christmas grocery shopping go so smoothly without incident? Where’s the balance? Well, remember the little bastard bottle of pizza sauce I had to hunt for? Remember that little prick? Yeah, when I was unloading all the shitload of groceries and rearranging the entire fridge to make it all fit (all by my self, mind you), I found a fuckin’ bottle of pizza sauce in the fridge. Nice. Monica probably knew it all along. She always knows what’s in the fridge. She’s got some sort of mental fridge/pantry inventory system. I think she bullshitted the shopping list to trick me. Nice.

With that out of the way and everything jammed in the fridge, I’m just about ready to ease into the illustration I’m working on! Finally!

Below: The key to venturing out of the house with a shopping list that is longer than my arm is to pack a snack. Some almonds, and apple, and a container of water will keep me alert and alive! The keys are to gouge my eyes out if I have to wait in a massive lineup.

Snack

Below: This is the dreaded shopping list. I bet Monica thinks this is hilarious. I think it’s sick. Sick, I tell you. I especially love the little note at the top that suggests I mentally prepare for shopping. It’s as if she wanted me to fail. Well, the joke’s on you, Mon. Not only did I find the pizza sauce, but I avoided the lineups and managed to make it home in time for 10:00 coffee break HA!

Massive shopping list

Below: The damage. This isn’t even all of it. Not seen is the container of 5 dozen eggs and a couple other items. It doesn’t look like much, but those bags are full. I even bought fish and I hate fish. Fish should be swimming.Bags of groceries

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