Meteorologist. I should have been a meteorologist. It appears to me that you can fuck up constantly, yet remain employed.
Also, shouldn’t meteorologists study meteors? Just sayin’.
We live in a place where there are four seasons: winter, spring, summer, and fall. Each season has somewhat individual characteristics. If you want to predict the weather, it seems relatively simple. Take the present season, throw in one or two negative weather characteristics to cover your ass by not proclaiming anything definite, and project a positive demeanour. If you appear positive, it shows that you’re not an evil prick if it rains.
Summer: “Mainly sunny today with chance of clouds. Chance of precipitation this afternoon. Highs near 25C.” See that shit? Saying something obvious like “mainly sunny” in the summer is almost a sure thing. Adding in a “chance of clouds” is a total guess. I have as much of a random chance of stepping in dog shit as the weather turning cloudy. Anything can happen.
Fall: (Pokes head out the door to see what it’s like) “Cooler temperatures today with a chance of clouds this afternoon. Cooling off tonight.” No shit. No shit, summer’s over, dude. Say it’s cool because it is, then throw in a chance of clouds because there’s usually a chance of clouds. If no clouds show up, you’re safe because you said there was a chance, not definite.
Winter: “Cold temperatures today. (Sees cloud cover) Chance of flurries throughout the day. Temperatures dropping overnight.” Ayup, if you see clouds in the winter, I suppose there’s a chance of flurries. It’s winter, so it’s gonna be cold. Again, chance of something like flurries covers things because it may or may not snow. Either way, you win!
Spring: “Mix of sun and cloud. Possibility of precipitation. Temperatures reaching mid-teens.” Can’t go wrong with a mix of sun and cloud in the spring. If it’s not sunny, it’s cloudy. If there are clouds, there’s a chance of precipitation. If I eat steak with mushrooms and a glass of beer, there’s a chance I might fart.
See what I mean? It’s like a meteorologist can’t go wrong. Even if they are wrong, they aren’t totally wrong because they usually back themselves up by saying “chance.” There is no wrong! And even if they were wrong, just make an excuse about the radar being on the fritz. The only right thing about all this is you can wear a T Shirt during all seasons! By adding the previous sentence, I made all that meteorologist stuff relevant to Crock of Shirt.