I feel like picking on something today. I’m having a pretty good creative day with drawing, so I’m in a decent mood. Therefore, I shall pick on minivans! Minivans and shirts really don’t have anything in common, but I’m okay with that.
The sport minivan. Why? Why even buy one of those? Not only is a minivan an asshole, it’s not sporty. I can say mean things about minivans because my family used to have one. Hmm, come to think of it, we had two. Having had to drive one to the mall as a teenager makes me immune to any negative feedback I receive about comments towards minivans. I even drove it to school to avoid riding on the school bus that was filled 3 per seat with complete fuckin’ assholes that would bully anything with a pulse, but that’s another story.
To balance this out a bit, I will give the minivan a positive point. Minivans are great for hauling people around. They can accommodate many people. The end.
Okay, that’s all I can tolerate with the finer points of minivans. I swore I would never own one and I have thus far stayed true to my vow. I was threatened in 2006 when the wife was looking at minivans as a replacement for our piece of shit SUV. I could feel my balls shrink a little every time she would bring up the subject of going to the dealership to look at a minivan. I think I experienced full testicular retraction one time on the lot. Thankfully, she opted for a smaller car, which we are still driving today. I ended up getting a ball-healthy pickup truck. Not that my truck is anything extra special, but it’s still a truck.
Anyway, what annoys me even more than the typical minivan is the Sport option that’s available on some models. Sport. The addition of a spoiler and a “Sport” decal doesn’t change the van to a Porsche. Shit is shit even if you put a decal on it. It’s just marketing horseshit.
Below: Sport. Does the addition of the sport decal make this green jellybean sporty? Nope.
Below: Rear hatch spoiler? Is that what it is? Looks like a blister. On a van.
Below: Fog light. Maybe the fog light makes sense. The only time I’d ever consider driving a minivan would be in the fog where nobody could see me. Just kidding! I still wouldn’t do it.
Below: This. This is a van. Not a minivan. It is a piece of shit, yes, but it does not claim to be sporty. It’s functional shit. The decals on it are for a reason, not to trick people into thinking it’s sporty.