It’s been a slow week at Crock of Shirt. Actually, last week started out really well, as we had several online orders. But as usual, as we were hoping for a sudden snowballing of activity, things died down. What a pisser. It’s encouraging to have some traffic, but perplexing to have it abruptly die off. Well, one positive I can take from it is it’s better than nothing. Another positive is last week was probably the most orders we have had at one time. A third positive is some sales are better than a punch in the nose.
That leads me to my nose. Some filthy being passed along a cold to me at the beginning of the week, which has resulted in a stuffy head and runny nose. Son. Of. A. Bitch. But I have managed to keep going to the gym with the full intent of physically annihilating this pesky bug. Perhaps a shot of whiskey might help out, too. You hear that, head cold? Huh? You hear me? You will lose, you filthy snot-producing little fucker!
Back to my nose. So this cold that I have is having a negative effect on things around here. Notice above how I mentioned the word snowballing? Yeah, this cold is snowballing. It’s getting worse. It all began with a slight headache behind the eyeballs, then some minor sniffles. But the next day (Monday-ish?) revealed that a virus had indeed settled in for a fight. An increase in snot production was initiated. In turn, this necessitated the need for snot removal. Now, that’s all fine and fuckin’ dandy during the daytime, but when I’m sleeping, I am largely unaware of what’s going on with my sinuses. The body is on auto-snot and doesn’t stop. The snowball effect in this situation is a plugged nose, which then triggers the backup oxygen intake system – mouth-breathing. Mouth-breathing, if you didn’t know, is only performed by three types of people:
1) Athlete. Someone engaged in physical activity. Running, biking, hockey, swimming, etc. There comes a time during physical exertion when the body requires more oxygen intake;
2) Dumbass. Someone who generally has low frequency brain activity and prefers the option of staring either at a wall or blank space. For some reason, the mouth overtakes the duties of the nostrils, resulting in a partially-opened mouth hole;
3) Children watching TV. Children aren’t necessarily dumbasses, so they can’t technically be classified in that category, but when watching television, children do sometimes display dumbass characteristics. The typical stare, they become non-responsive, the gape of the mouth.
Anyway, the nighttime mouth-breathing, coupled with excess snot production, eventually leads to snoring. Snoring leads to a negative reaction from my wife, who then wakes me up to request that I lie on my side. One question I have is how can snoring bother her when she should be sleeping? I can sleep through it and it’s vibrating from my head! So that results in lack of sleep for both of us, which makes things a little crabby the following day.
Further snowball buildup comes in the form of blowing my nose 450 times per day. You know what happens when you blow your nose that much? That’s right! You end up with chapped, flaky nostril skin. How fucking glorious! I can somewhat deal with a bit of flaky skin, as I simply throw on some moisturizer to keep things under control. However, that solution is quickly shit on when I have to blow my nose again 5 minutes later, which then wipes out the moisturizer. It’s a devastating cycle.
The snowball rolls…
Did you think I was finished? Oh no. No, no, no. It gets even better! Constant blowing (my nose, perverts) has cracked and opened my nostril skin, which I assume has made it vulnerable to even more outside filth. The evidence is the fucking red bump under my right nostril. I think there’s a pimple in there now because of all the wiping, cracking, wiping, blowing, wiping, and swearing, which has let in some unwanted grime. Fuck me. Of all the places to have a red mark, the nose is arguably the worst, as it’s smack in the middle of the face. And do you know what makes that even worse? I am supposed to be going to a Christmas party in two days. Christmas. Oh, won’t it be so convenient that I have a red nose at a Christmas party! Fa la fucking laaa, la la la laaaa! Rudolph the Red-nosed Richter.
Below: The redness below my right nostril. This shit is not acceptable.
And bigger the snowball grows…
You’ll never guess what happened next. I didn’t even see it coming. I, like any other person having a battle with a possible red bump, decided to fight fire with fire and eliminate the bastard. I went to the washroom and positioned myself in front of the mirror for a most painful battle. Positioning an index finger knuckle on either side of the red bump beneath my nostril (very tight working conditions), and a thumbtack on standby for backup, I squeezed at about 85% power. To give you an idea, I’m not a big guy, but I am an almost-38 year old physically active dude, so I am able to produce a fair amount of knuckle force. Whatever this thing is, it’s like a bottomless well of clear drips. Squeeze as I might, the drainage never did completely stop. After each squeeze, I would not only have to wipe the bit of drip, but I would have to blow my nose and sop up random tears out of my right eyeball from the pain. What ultimately happened was the toilet paper I was using to mop up my shame piled up beyond what the toilet to could handle. Indeed, I had to plunge the fucking toilet.
What a week. All that shit just because of a cold. How does having a cold end up with plugging a toilet? Only me. I swear, only me. If I could fit in that toilet, I’d flush myself. Fuck it, I’m gonna have a drink!