I recently went to a store to try on some pants. As I was taking my shoes off in the change room, I noticed what looked like a bit of tissue paper on the floor. Something like that isn’t really very alarming at first glance, but I noticed some unidentified brown streaks on it. Brown streaks on tissue is alarming. Very alarming.
Below: The enemy tissue. Use caution when seeing anything like this.
My first thought was shit. Immediately following my first thought was my second thought, which was don’t step on it with your socks. I don’t want shit on my socks. If I were to get any sort of poo on my socks, that would be the end of the sock. And if one goes, they both go. There is no way I’d be able to comfortably walk around in one sock. There’s just no symmetry there, you know? And one foot would be warmer than the other, which would totally fucker my entire inner climate control system.
I very cautiously avoided the shit tissue and went about my business, all while trying to figure out where it came from. I wonder if the shitty tissue was stuck to someone’s shoe previous to my arrival and got rubbed off when they were changing. Or maybe someone was changing a baby in the change room and a bit of tissue fell. Perhaps someone had a piece of toilet paper stuck between their ass cheeks from an earlier dump and it came loose when they were trying on pants. The concern with that scenario is the apparent lack of underwear. You see, if there was underwear acting as an additional protective barrier, it would have caught the toilet paper, but obviously didn’t because it clearly made the journey to the floor. It would also mean that unless that person purchased those particular pants they were trying on, those pants most definitely made it back to the sales floor. Naturally, the horror with that is I might have just tried on those very pants, exposing myself to someone’s fecal dust. And if my scenario is correct, the fecal dust wouldn’t be localized to the ass area of the pants; the entire leg of the pants would have been dusted with shit dust as the paper tumbled down to the floor.
I should be a fucking detective.