So Monica had me on another one of her famous grocery store adventure hunts the other day (click here for the biggest hunt of all time). I think it was revenge because I suggested we have homemade pizza (apparently a lot of prep work). Sending me out to get ingredients is no problem. Sending me out to hunt down a disgusting ingredient that is impossible to find is a problem. I don’t mind doing the grocery shopping, but I start to get pissed when I have to hunt through 50,000 square feet of store for a tiny tin of sardines. I don’t even eat that shit. Why would I?
Sardines. Why would anyone in their right mind want to willingly destroy the glory of pizza with a tin of ass-stinky fish? It’s like a tin of assholes in ass juice. Putting shit like that on pizza is criminal and offenders should be ticketed.
Now, where do you think the most relevant place to look for sardines would be? The washroom haha. No, I figured they would be on the shelf with the tuna. You know, other stinky shit in tins: tuna, salmon, oysters, etc. so I wandered down the tinned asshole aisle to have a look. Nope. No sardines. Hell! This is when I started feeling warm. Not quite pissed just yet, but the heat turned up a degree and my temper started to twitch. I thought there was no way I was going to get caught in a massive hunt again this time, so I consciously took a deep breath and convinced myself this wasn’t real. Not this time.
Below: The tinned shitty aisle. Why not have sardines here?
I calmly went back to where Monica had told me to go first, which was near the coffee cream. Wha? Fu…? As predicted, no sardines. Fine. Core temperature elevated one more degree. So I went back to the friggin stink tin aisle and asked a guy who was stocking shelves. He directed me to the spot where you buy fish, which is across the store. Across the store I went, mumbling profanities under my breath, only to be on the increasing hide-and-seek adventure. I swear I scoured the shelves and didn’t see any sardines anywhere. It also didn’t help that I had no idea what I was looking for. No fucking sardines yet.
So now I’m officially pissed. My temper temperature has been elevated to dangerous levels. I’m certain by this point that I probably looked genuinely confused. I also probably looked like a stalker because I kept bumping into my neighbour throughout my 50,000 square foot sweep of the store, walking along in hushed conversation with my grocery basket.
I decided it might be best at this point to take a timeout from the sardine hunt and grab the cheese she wanted. You know, give me some time to cool off a bit and regain my composure. Back to the cheese I went. Back all the way across the bloody store to the very other end for the frigging cheese. But no. No. It couldn’t be ordinary cheese. Fuck no, it had to be Parmesan, which threw me off because it comes in different textures: shredded, block, and one other one, as I recall. Which did she want? Damned if I know. If I were to take a chance and just grab whatever, it would likely be the wrong one. Angry again. I decided to use a lifeline and shoot her a text. I had to act quickly, though, as my phone was at 4% battery (also notice she wanted me to not only find sardines, but fetch her a coffee):
At this point things started to become hazy. I think the temper temperature overheated my prefrontal cortex and sent me spiraling. I ended up just grabbing a block of cheese, rationalizing that if she wants to shred it, she can shred it. She can shred it, she can grind it, she can dice it, she can gnaw on it all afternoon for all I cared. I somehow found myself wandering throughout the meat department. I remember seeing ham. I saw frozen fish and thought I was getting close, but then crossed paths with roasts and chickens! It was like a psychological mindfuck game of hot and cold. I’d get closer, then find myself way off course near the cilantro and shit. Pineapple!
Below: Frozen fish? No such luck. Above: What the fuck is tofurky? Tofurky sounds like a game where you tickle someone until they fart.
I finally regained consciousness and stumbled my way back to the seafood section for one last flyby. This was the last chance. Amazingly, I zeroed in on something at knee level and discovered the sardines! Eureka! But you know what the shitty part is? My phone died, so I couldn’t document my glory. Therefore, the end.
(Oh, and the pizza was wonderful that evening, by the way.)