Throwback Thursday: McPiss

Hey! Okay, it’s Thursday and it’s blog post day for me. The terrible and most horrible thing is I don’t have a post to post. I’m sorry. I have two on the go, but they are awaiting final touches:

1) The one post is about the spoiler repair on my car. I still have to mount it to the car and I was going to do so this evening. However, I got invited on an overnight mountain bike trip that I can’t pass up! So I now plan on doing mounting the spoiler on Sunday. I will then post about it!

2) The second post is about the Mustang shirt design I’m just finalizing. I should also have that done on Sunday when brother Kris comes to print. I’ll post about that next Thursday.

But for now, I will give you something special. This is the gold standard. This has nothing to do with cars or shirts, but should make you laugh. I wrote this about ten years ago when our daughter was just little little. Enjoy…

 

McPiss

Fridays are usually a great start to the weekend. Usually. This past Friday was going along routinely except for the excessive rainfall we’ve been experiencing. No matter, we were in good spirits nonetheless. We decided to call some friends of ours and take the kids to McDonalds playland for fun and ice cream.

McDonalds was, as per usual, a bustling beehive of snot-nosed fuckers hopping around and screaming. Fuck, if I acted like that, I’d be thrown away. Anyway, this particular McDonalds has a separate playroom with a climbing structure in it. It has slides, platforms and various tubes and tunnels for the little varmints to play in. It’s actually pretty cool.

It’s fun to watch the kids having such a good time and I was diggin’ right into my ice cream. Everything was going well until a couple of rowdy little bastards began making too much noise. We didn’t think much of it until we heard one of them exclaim that there was poo on one of the tunnel slides. High up. Naturally, we thought this was funny, yet cautiously made sure to avert Ainsley from going near it. She was playing on the opposite side of the room, so we didn’t have too much to worry about.

After the initial panic, a couple of employees came over to survey the damage. The poor girl had to climb up the vertical shaft and enter the slide to determine the exact location of the shit skid. She didn’t look happy. Nevertheless, she performed her inspection and came out to tell everyone she thought it was ice cream. We knew better. It was shit. And one little guy had it smeared all over the front of his shirt. Haha. He was fairly concerned and didn’t know what to do. We laughed.

This is about the time where everything went sour. Suddenly, from across the other side of the room, there came some shrieks of horror. All I heard was something about pee and a bunch of little fuckers started to scatter. I began to laugh because I knew some poor bastard’s kid was in there pissing in a tunnel. Glad it wasn’t my kid. Actually, where was Ainsley, anyway? Monica got up to check on her while I finished laughing. Seemed OK so far…

Monica abruptly returned and confirmed worst fear – my child was in a vertical climbing tunnel, on the third level and covered in hot piss. Fuck. Why me? My kid was standing on the third level in this fucking tunnel, frozen scared and pissing herself in McFuckinDonalds. On a Friday. Full restaurant. And she wouldn’t come down. I had to now face the cold reality that someone had to go up there and pull her out. It happened to be me. So I crawled into the entrance tunnel, which was now full of piss. It was something like exploring in a cave, as there was an eerie echo and the sound of dripping water. However, unlike a cave, the sound was my child crying and her piss dripping in the middle of a restaurant. All I could hear from the outside was all the rest of the bastard kids yelling, “It’s dripping! the pee! Ewwwww! Look at it dripping on that guy!”

Fortunately for me, I dodged almost all of the drips and managed to coax her out of the piss-tunnel. She was extremely upset. I was in disbelief. The McDonalds employees were not looking too thrilled at this point. There was the mumbling of children and the sound of piss dripping in the background. The tunnel was swamped with piss. There was piss dripping from the third level, which ran over to the second, then down to the first, where it was pooled. Not to mention the controversial shit skid in the slide (fortunately, this was not my kid’s shit). They evacuated everyone and closed the playland. We hurriedly changed Ainsley’s pants and fucked off outta there.

Anyway, that’s the night that we shut down the McDonalds playland. I do feel a little bad about leaving the piss mess for the poor motherfucker who had to clean it up, but I just couldn’t stay. I don’t think I’ll be going back there again.

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